As my friend Claire puts it: "Estate agents - it's like they are trying to win some amazing lying competition. They spend the day stewing, then go home and mail their lies to the estate agent evil brain. If the lie is lame, they are instantly frazzled into frog-soup. But if the lie is judged to be suitably evil, it is directly downloaded into the brains of other estate agents."If you have never bought a home before, you will not fully appreciate the horror that is an estate agent on the prowl for gullible first-time homeowners. They are like witches out to lure babes in the wood, denizens of the underworld scattering little crumb-lies leading to the door of a house of horrors. You
think you're following a trail of chocolates to a humble cottage coated in honeysuckle, but beyond the threshold is eye of newt and stench of fish; seventies tile and roach-brown rug. And such is their power that no matter where these demon-agents lead you, your tongue instantly freezes, leaving you unable to say: "Get thee behind me, devil-wench: this is no north-facing investment opportunity, but a dingy hell-hovel overrun with the ghosts of house-hunters previously sacrificed in your bizarre legal-parasatanic ritual. Fly!"
No, instead you say: "Um, I need some time to think about it. Here, have my phone number."
In a way, you've almost got to respect it. Whatever they're doing, it's a devilishly powerful bulldozing spell. So, as I surrender to the enemy and give the bank my soul in exchange for the one sparkling gem cowering in an otherwise terrifying property market, I give you this page in honour of the lies I was told by estate agents during my year-long house-hunt.
Standard-issue sales lies (evil score: novice):1. You will never find another property of this calibre in your price range.
2. I’m embarrassed to take your offer to my client. Nobody sells flats for that.*
3. Somebody else is desperate for this flat, so you'd better take it before I give it to them.
More adventurous lies (evil score: shortlisted):1. That’s not a cockroach.
2. Neither is that. Or that!
3.
[Same agent’s last desperate attempt, after the third cockroach in 10 minutes ran over her foot] Well, I’ve been an estate agent for 20 years and never in my two decades have I ever seen a unit that didn’t have a large cockroach colony. Frankly, you’d be wasting your time looking for one that didn’t.
4. Pest control in external drains and communal areas is never done in flat buildings. I’ve never heard of a flat building that does it.
5. It’s really difficult to find flats where birds are allowed. If you want to find something in your price range, you should really consider selling your pet.
6.
[Later, by the same agent] Some estate agents would advise you to sell your pet. I would never ask that of you.
7. That’s not a flea.
8. I’ve never seen a flea here before. Didn’t you bring those in with you?
9.
[After a neighbour told me never to buy in the building because the security and maintenance were terrible] That’s just a tenant. You must never listen to tenants. They lie all the time. Everybody knows that.
10. If you buy now, we will build walls and install gates around the complex so that you have secure parking.**
11. This is the place to be if you want to avoid traffic. It's so quiet. (Lansdowne Road!)
Downright outrageous lies (evil score: direct download):1. Oh dearie, dearie me. We do have champagne tastes on a Coke budget, don't we?
2. Well, if you don’t like the balcony, I can’t see that the body corporate wouldn’t agree to rebuild the whole building’s balconies in a different style. They talk about it all the time.***
3. Steer is a wonderful managing agent.****
4. White people don’t live in buildings like that. If I were the agent, I’d refuse to sell it to you. Now this one, on the other hand, is all right for a white person.
5. Fleas lie in wait in empty buildings for a blood host to enter. They do this in all empty buildings. Didn’t you know that?
* One week later, the self-same client dropped her asking price to R20 000 below what I’d offered, completely of her own accord.
**Thanks to Alistair James for this. Five years later, still nothing.
***Thanks to Claire O’Neill for this. Well done to estate agent for neatly bypassing the "permission for structural changes" law.
**** Steer is the managing agent that left my previous flat building infested with Godzilla-sized sewer rats for five years before calling in pest control.
When I was a growing girl in the idyllic mountain village of Lower Woodstock, we used to play a wonderful game called Shag, Marry or Push off a Cliff. The object of the game is to drink a lot of whisky.
